Every child is different and sometimes those differences make life easy, and sometimes they make life more challenging. Being a nanny for almost 10 years by the time I had my first child, I thought I was fairly well prepared but my first child rewrote every book you could ever read. She was just different. Not special needs or lacking in any way, just different. From the time we brought her home from the hospital she started to push the normal mould of what you would expect from other kids. My second child was her sister’s polar opposite. Everything that worked for child number one didn’t for child number two. I had to redo the way I parented the second time around.
So how do we raise children who are harder to parent?
Firstly I think that every child is going to bring parenting challenges our way, on one form or another. Some kids do tend to be easier and just go with the flow and then you have the ones who are stubborn and well older than their biological age. These are the children that keep us on our toes.
So in all my years of working with kids and families around behaviour and general parenting help, here are my tips to raising a child who is hard to parent.
- Prepare to change tactics often – I have found that sometimes you might find something that works for your child really well, like offering a sticker on a chart to clean their room, and then one day it doesn’t work anymore. This is normal. Don’t be afraid to change tactics as often as you need and even plan to have some on hand for when you need a quick swap over to cause as little disruption to your parenting style as you can.
- Don’t allow arguing – strong-willed children like to argue. It is their way of asserting their independence and making it known their thoughts about the situation. Allowing this arguing will encourage it to continue and will undermine your decisions and rules. Giving your child some time to express their feelings about something is fine but once the arguing starts cut it off immediately. Tell your child that the decision has been made and there will be no more talk about it. Then stop talking. Your child cannot argue without someone to argue with.
- Observe your child often – watching the way your child responds to other people, new circumstances, familiar routines and other daily activities will teach you a lot about them as a person. It will show you what upsets them, what relaxes them, how they function in different situations and more. Once you know about your child you can help to structure their environment and day to match what works best for them and avoid what doesn’t. A child who is happy and relaxed will be easier to parent.
- Ensure their physical needs are met – children who are tired, hungry, unwell, cold, too hot or generally uncomfortable are less easy to deal with. Creating a routine where your child receives the food they need, the proper amount of rest for their age and being aware of their comfort levels will minimise stress for your child and help them cope better with daily life and make life easier for you. This once again comes down to observing your child and what they need to anticipate their needs in advance. If you notice your child gets very cranky everyday around 11am it could be that they are hungry or tired. When you know this you can plan for a set lunch time or naptime to meet their needs.
- Set firm boundaries – knowing what is expected of them allows a child to feel relaxed in their environment and allows for an environment to teach them acceptable behaviour. Children who like to push boundaries are the ones who especially need them. Set boundaries that you expect to be adhered to and set consequences for not sticking to these boundaries.
